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LOS ANGELES — Up until this morning, veteran actor James Caan was unaware that there were different types of cannabis, let alone different strains.  

So one can imagine his shock in learning that there is even one, let alone 47, named directly after him. 

“Everyone loves a good James Caan movie. So it’s no surprise that James Caan-inspired strains are some of my hottest items,” said local dispensary owner Jessy Stern. “They come in so many varieties, too: there’s ‘The Godfather Special (Parts 1, 2 and 3),’  ‘Buddy the Elf,’ ‘Mickey Red Eyes,’ ‘Rollerbowl…’ the list goes on.”

“I personally prefer the tried-and-true, good old fashioned ‘Caanabis,’” said grower Mariah Epps, personally responsible for 11 different Caan-inspired varieties. “This originally started as one or two strain joke a few years back, but eventually it grew into a much larger thing after we all realized how much we all loved his films. James Caan is royalty, as far as the cannabis world is concerned.”

“I’m a big fan of the ‘Misery’ strain, which along with being named after one of my favorite James Caan flicks, makes you feel like you’re trapped in a cabin with Kathy Bates. Trust me, that is a compliment,” said Tim Judge, a longtime enthusiast of both James Caan and weed. “And the strains aren’t just named after his films, either: 15 of them in fact are inspired by his training in Gosoku Ryu Karate. Just try ‘Caan-rate Chop’ — it’s great. 

However, despite his overwhelming popularity in the world of weed, James Caan himself just learned of his esteemed status today.

“47 what? What’s a ‘strain?’ I thought marijuana was just marijuana. Is it really this complicated?” said the 80-year-old actor. “I feel like I should be flattered, but all I can think about is how much free time all of you damn kids must have to make this up. But on the bright side, it was nice to be reminded that I was in ‘Rollerball.’ That was a fun picture.”

Actress Meryl Streep, another Hollywood staple, is allegedly envious over James Caan’s late-stage success. 

“Jimmy is the most popular man in the cannabis world without even knowing it. Meanwhile, I haven’t sold a single crate of ‘The Devil Smokes Ganja’ or ‘Mamma Mia,’” said Streep. “It’s ridiculous!”   

All Academy-Award nominated strains will be sold exclusively at former Blockbuster Video stores that have been turned into dispensaries.

Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.