ROCKPORT, Mass. — Consummate stoner and die-hard Tom Brady fan Steph Cordrey will celebrate the quarterback’s 10th Super Bowl appearance on Sunday by ripping a bong made from a deflated football. “Can’t wait to see the GOAT put a hurtin’ on Kansas City,” Cordrey gloated between hits from her pigskin pipe, which still couldn’t inflate all the way with a deep, full inhale. “I’m gonna pack this thing up for every pass he makes for more than 10 yards. Shit, this bad boy has six chambers — one for every Super Bowl ring. I’ll be faced enough to put [Rob] Gronkowski to shame before the Halftime Show even starts.” Despite repeated warnings from health professionals to avoid smoking via vulcanized rubber, Cordrey plans to continue celebrating with the makeshift smoking apparatus until Tom Brady eventually retires after his 25th Super Bowl win at age 74.

Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore