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NEW BERN, N.C. — As her neighbors, friends and family delved deeper into conspiracy theories related to the Covid pandemic over the last few months, clever entrepreneur Chloe Ladner sensed an opportunity.
“If people think the Pfizer injection is going to have a tracking microchip inside it, they’ll believe anything. So I’ve been selling grape Juul cartridges and just saying they’re the Covid antibodies,” Ladner said, presenting a plethora of vape pens with the labels scratched off. “If I could get on the QAnon national radar, I could crush it — as soon as you say ‘no nano-bots,’ they come in hordes and buy ‘em all up. It’s been a great season!”
A recently “vaccinated” Taran Heller claimed it was a safe alternative “for those who don’t buy into liberal hoaxes.”
“They’re saying there’s a plague to control us. They want us wearing masks to ease us into Marxism and communism and socialism and lib-cuck-fascism — next thing you know, we’re gonna be on bread lines, worshipping our Lord and savior the lizard robot, Crooked Hillary,” Heller shouted to no one in particular. “So, yeah, I’ll pass on whatever the government is selling, and stick with this Juul cartridge that cures the fake disease they made up to control us. If they really want us to take ‘em, more vaccines should come in fruit flavors, anyway.”
“See, the Juul technology filters out the government tracking system,” agreed Julie Rutowski after buying cartridges from Ladner in a McDonald’s parking lot. “And it also keeps me from smoking cigarettes. If it protects me from getting microchipped, even better.”
The CDC, however, is warning against their use. “These are very clearly counterfeit and will not protect against Covid,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky. “And even if they were real, vaping is the worst. Come on, guys.”
For their part, anonymous representatives from QAnon have yet to confirm any claims that vaping cures Covid.
“Q will only drop verifiable information,” the source stated via a one-way email address, “like that Tom Hanks was replaced with a terrorist clone pretending to have the fake disease. The truth will be known when the truth is known. Where we vape one, we vape all.”
Local law enforcement have debated arresting Ladner, but ultimately let her continue after she gave them free vaccine cartridges for their families.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.