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Note: Chadwick Ritkowski III is Oregano’s lifestyle reporter and takes his work very seriously.
As we brace to endure yet another “unprecedented” heatwave, this reporter can happily report that the latest innovation sweeping the CBD industry is not only a renowned success — this thing fucking rocks. Seriously, my new CBD-infused air conditioner might just be the best thing this job has ever afforded me, and I get health care!
According to the box, this product is designed to support restful sleep and offer mild anxiety relief. But I’m calling bullshit: the combination of CBD and chilled air flow is so much more than that — it’s perfection, in a word.
I’ll admit that before turning it on, I had my doubts. The CBD Breezer 3000 is a pretty subtle and unassuming device, but after I’d had this sucker running for about 10 minutes, I could just feel all my tension and anxiety slip away. Pretty soon, I was actually looking out the window and admiring the sun’s sweltering rays — a great improvement to the feelings of existential dread in which I have wallowed all summer from watching the planet slowly burn away the parasite that is humanity.
They say this unit will even help your dogs settle down if they get scared by fireworks. And while I don’t have a dog, if I did, I guarantee my dog would be too cool to care about fireworks with the CBDB3K. Even better, I did about 50 push-ups this morning — no big deal — and my arms are barely even sore anymore thanks to this A/C.
I actually find it relaxing to just look at it. On many occasions, I’ve found myself mesmerized by its blinking blue lights and paradoxically smooth, multi-ridged exterior. If you glean just one piece of information from my account, dear reader, know this: I promise you that this device will change your life. And not just in a metaphorical wellness sense, but in a literal “I’m-never-paying-for-another-baby-sitter” sense.
Boy, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much it really would suck to be stuck in the middle of a historic heatwave and not have one of these.
I find even the CBD Breezer 3000’s dull, monotone droning brings me comfort: like it’s somehow imparting the good will and blessings of both the farmers who grew the organic hemp from which these CBD molecules were harvested, and the tradesfolk and engineers who so carefully designed and assembled these miraculous machines to improve our daily lives — nay, our very existence. Once you finally get your grubby little hands on one of these babies and you get to bathe in their glory, try coming back and telling me you aren’t going to grovel at their feet for the next two weeks.
Unfortunately, we also just learned that the CBD Breezer 3000 is out-of-stock ahead of the remaining blazing summer months, so if you’ve not already bought one, or you’re not already on a wait list, then you can pretty much kiss all chances of getting your hands on one goodbye. Damn, talk about drawing the short straw, suckers. Get shit on!
Oops… did I just write that? Sorry. I’m so calm and relaxed — and most of all, cool — that I am feeling pretty unstoppable right now. I’m also pretty sure my editor got the other SuperBlaster review model, so this is all definitely going to make the cut.
I’m just going to come out and say it — the CBD Breezer 3000 is like being kissed by the gods. You should buy one. Like, immediately. Actually, buy two! Oh right, you can’t. Again, my bad.
It’s just so great.
Sometimes I wonder if it likes me back?
Graham Abbott is a cannabis writer, journalist, & editor living in Portland, Oregon. He probably wouldn’t eat any of your fruit, but that’s not your fault, he has allergies. IG: @instagrahamabbott
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.