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OTTAWA, Ont. — Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly struggled to open a bag of milk today after getting too high celebrating Canada Day.
“Aww, shit fuck balls. How am I supposed to open this again?” inquired a stoned Trudeau, who knew full well that getting high was not a typical traditional celebration for the holiday. “Look, bag: I just want what’s inside you. God, I haven’t done this in forever. Maybe if I just cut a hole and nurse it like a teat?”
“Ha. Teat,” the Prime Minister added. “Oh, that’s right — I need one of those pitchers. It’s been so long since I’ve done this.”
Other parliamentarians couldn’t help but notice his struggles.
“Justin wants to be that cool prime minister guy so badly. So to look hip, he smoked a few joints to celebrate the day and it was wayyyy too much for him,” said fellow Liberal Party member Steve Smith. “He spent a good portion of the day petting a stuffed beaver because of how ‘crazy soft’ it was after he tried to pass a law declaring Rush to be the greatest band of all time. Eventually he went home after seeing a Mountie and got paranoid he’d be arrested. Apparently he forgot that he helped make weed legal in Canada roughly two years ago.”
After finally figuring out how to open up the milk bag, Prime Minister Trudeau reportedly made himself enough Kraft dinner for 8 people and then promptly went to sleep.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephenbell6/
