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SAN MATEO, Calif. — Mother and CBD enthusiast Patricia-Ann Wright believes that her three children are not receiving sufficient daily levels of Cannabidiol and therefore not maximizing the multiple health benefits.

“You can’t get the maximum healing and protective power of a mega-molecule without taking in more than the recommended dosage. That’s basic science,” said Wright while marking a Facebook ad for Monster Energy Drink as “offensive.” “I cover all my bases: some CBD-infused ingredients, along with goji berries and flax seed, in every meal. My kids’ bedsheets and outdoor clothes are all soaked in CBD and made from hemp, and I dose the timed air-fresheners each day with a few drops of CBD oil. It’s a lot, but I know they don’t do a full 30-second rinse with coconut oil when they’re with their father. Don’t even get me started with that one.”

Family pediatrician Dr. Lea Bromms agreed that the cannabis-produced compound showed great results in treating and preventing pain, anxiety, and even cancer, but wondered if Wright is going too far.

“I fully support Patricia’s efforts in providing her children with the greatest nourishment and care,” said Bromms while checking her voicemails, all from Wright. “But I believe a balanced diet, exercise, and the treatment of any issues as they arise is a more reasonable long-term family health plan, rather than ambushing your infant with a CBD oral spray every time she yawns.” 

While Dr. Bromms refused to violate doctor/patient privilege to confirm or deny if Wright had ever actually done that, she did confirm that Wright once dosed the holy water at St. Benedict’s. “I was at that service,” she said. “Easily the most relaxed one yet.”

For their part, Wright’s children are beginning to realize their diets may be the exception rather than the norm.

“When I slept over at my friend Dexter’s house last week, they didn’t have the normal 12 vitamins and supplements with lemon-cayenne cleansing water for breakfast,” said Bachelor Wright, 11. “His mom didn’t even check my stool. I felt like she didn’t care about me at all.” 

Wright hopes to release a cookbook next year, tentatively titled “CBD-Infused California Favorites to Save Our and Specifically My Children’s Lives.” 

Kyle Stanley has two children, four cats, and one Oxford comma. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.

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