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This is the true story of a Chanukah miracle.

Last week, I needed to smoke a bowl to stave off an “invasion” of sorts, and by some other-worldly magic, the bowl lasted 8 whole days and nights. Yeah, I know, you might not believe me, but it really happened. 

My friend Anthony came over last week to hang out, and he wanted to order food from this new restaurant Greek Empire that just opened right off Route 9W, and Seamless delivers from it. Supposedly they make just out of this world gyros. But honestly, they don’t really interest me.

See, I’m extremely passive-aggressive — if all my friends were jumping off a bridge, I’d recognize it’s dumb, but at the same time, if they pressured me… yeah, I’d probably give in. Anthony, on the other hand, is an alpha. He’ll establish dominance in any situation. So if he wants to order Greek food, we’re ordering Greek food, unless I can think of a clever excuse — and that’s where the bowl comes in.

I don’t eat Greek food — my body is a temple, and I treat it as such. I will not have Greek Empire invading my temple! So, I suggested we do a little recreational lighting before ordering, to delay things. I have this huge bong that looks like Mjölnir — we call it “The Hammer” — so I grabbed that, and some bud I recently bought because it was called “Chronnukah” [it’s just regular pot, don’t worry], and got to work.

As Anthony lit up, I was hoping the bowl would last long enough that he’d lose interest in ordering food, and just go home. After all, this particular piece has an extra deep bowl, so if anyone can fight off Greek Empire from invading my temple, it’s the Hammer.

We sparked the Chronnukah, and it was… lasting. Like, a bowl in the Hammer usually can get a good 8-10 hits, but this one just kept going. I assured Anthony we’d order the food when it finished, but it never did. The bowl lasted the entire rest of the night. We were tired and thirsty and hungry and worn out. Anthony got antsy. We even fell asleep, woke up, and kept smoking — the deal was, we’d get gyros as soon as we finished.

Night turned into day, which turned into night again, and on and on. Entire DAYS passed. Yes. Actual days. Somehow, someway, this bowl lasted 8 entire days and nights, with seemingly a new little corner of green each time. And on that 8th night, Anthony finally gave up waiting for food and went home. 

I guess the moral of the story is… I don’t know, I should learn to advocate for myself better? Or maybe the Lord will protect you from your friend that wants food you don’t like if you time it right? Something tells me it’s more of a vague, intangible moral, and Chanukah is a relatively insignificant holiday in the grand scheme of things.

I guess it doesn’t matter. The bowl stayed lit for 8 nights, and the Hammer fended off Greek Empire’s invasion of my temple. Truly a Chanukah miracle!

“Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.”

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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