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OLATHE, Ks. — After suffering through a miserable move from Seattle to Kansas and weeks searching for any kind of legitimate connection for personal cannabis, 35-year-old Andrew Donahue dejectedly sighed last night before Googling “CBD Near Me.” “The weird billboards of Jesus holding ears of corn alerted me that this place was different, but I had no idea it’d be this hard to score some bud here,” remarked Donahue. “I scooped up some Alaskan Thurderfuck and Bob Saget OG in Denver on the way, but I already burned through my entire stash since Kansas is so fucking boring. At this point, I’d rub two stems together and smoke a bunch of seeds if I thought it’d get me anywhere. Fuck.” Donahue was last seen speeding toward the Colorado border with $500 cash and a “fuck ton” of Febreeze.

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. Find him on Instagram @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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