AUSTIN, Texas —  Local pug Paulie DogNuts is allegedly going through the canine version of an existential crisis, spending the last three days locked in a mental battle of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” with a CBD treat, a squeaky toy, and one of his owner’s couch cushions. 

“We tried to calm him down by giving him a triple peanut butter CBD treat, but instead he lined the three items up like a firing squad and he’s been there since. It’s haunting,” Paulie DogNuts’ owner Henry Caplan said, sipping tea with grave concern. “Last I saw him, he was puttering around our living room like that guy in the torture scene from ‘Reservior Dogs.’ I’m not trying to do a silly dog pun here — he’s acting like a psychopath, playing God with three inanimate objects. We just wanted him to take longer naps.” 

Paulie’s feet were later heard slowly tap-tap-tapping in a circle on the hardwood floor of the Caplan’s living room while Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You” played on repeat.

Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter: @iamTannenbaum