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“He who controls the CBD oil controls the universe” — Frank Herbert, probably

It’s been well established Frank Herbert used the Spice Melange as a metaphor for oil, but did you know he specifically meant CBD oil? A substance that unravels your stresses? A greatly sought after substance hordes of people travel great distances to acquire?

If you head to any neighborhood that has embraced the future and accepted cannabis into their lives, you’ll see — right now it is truly the most highly valued and coveted resource on the planet. Whichever dispensary controls the extraction and refinement of CBD oil will control the cannabis market in the area, whether in Sietch Tabr or Weehawken, New Jersey. 

Let’s break it down: as we all know, the Spice is mined on the desert planet Arrakis — an obvious stand-in for the desert outskirts of Nevada, the CBD oil nexus of the world. Most of the popular strains of cannabidiol are found exclusively in the areas outside Las Vegas, deep into the arid sand dunes and within hidden greenhouses with legendarily massive hydroponic grow operations. The locals control the resources, selling them back to the city folk. We know this.

And just like the Spice, if you take too much, your eyes turn a different color, making it obvious you’re under the influence. That’s what they said on “20/20,” anyway. Too bad the Fremen didn’t learn from cannabis enthusiasts and invest in some Clear Eyes.

Not enough? Don’t forget that the Spice facilitates folding of space for faster travel, an obvious metaphor for quelling the temporally deceptive nature of anxiety to more efficiently pass through the stifling grasp of panic. Obviously.

This brings us to the sandworm. Shai-Hulud. Have you ever heard of a “worm farm?” The worms leave behind a waste material that’s used to grow cannabis, but if the worms get into the cannabis, they can ruin it… sound familiar? The grower of the cannabis, harvester of the CBD oil, the Kwisatz Haderach, must take control of the worms, control the CBD Melange and thus control the ancillary cannabis-related-substance universe.

Wait a minute. Maybe it was more about actual oil in the Middle East?

…Nah, it’s definitely about weed.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.