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BUTTE, Mont. — Montana State Senator and avid libertarian Kevin Coulson has allegedly found himself very satisfied by his state’s decision to legalize marijuana, but equally devastated to see the 20% retail sales tax placed upon it.
“I was so happy to see the voters of my state do the right thing and vote for marijuana legalization,” said Coulson from his secret bunker. “But oh, the taxes — those damned taxes. I yearned for the day I could smoke freely, but deep down I feel that 20% sales tax burning a hole into my pocket and my lungs. And it stung even more in Helena, where they added a 3% local tax to it.”
“For all we know, these taxes are helping to fund the military industrial complex,” Coulson added. “I mean, they’re not, because they’re state taxes and not federal, but still… Does anyone really understand how the government works? I know I don’t.”
Other Montana politicians did not exactly see eye to eye on Coulson’s anti-tax standpoint. Democratic State Rep. Lara Householder felt the revenue was needed for other projects.
“[Coulson] is just throwing a hissy fit because some of the money is going towards treatment services for people struggling with meth addiction. According to him, it’s ‘every american’s right’ to die from meth addiction,” said Householder. “The irony is that we actually did some campaigning together to help legalize marijuana because we both thought locking people up for cannabis was stupid. And looking at our final bill, I also agree with him that limiting homegrown plants to only four is totally lame and we should change that. I mean, how am I supposed to smoke weed everyday with only four plants? But comparing marijuana taxes to Jim Crow? That’s a bit much.”
It seems that a majority of Montanans agree with Householder, including cannabis user and Butte resident Gerrett Ford, who feels the tax revenue could do some real good.
“On the one hand, I do hate paying taxes. But on the other hand, I’ve had to replace $500 worth of copper wire in my house because a meth addict ripped it out of my walls while I was on vacation,” said Ford. “If the tax revenue can go towards fixing this problem, then in the end I think I’m saving money.”
For his part, Coulson disputed the notion that he was short-sighted in his views.
“My opposition to the program is in no way an indication that I am pro doing methamphetamines,” explained Coulson. “I’m just saying that if we would someday like to make the jump in this state towards full meth legalization, that I already have the necessary capital to invest heavily in the industry, and it’s my right to do so and become filthy rich.”
Coulson would later go on to introduce a bill to preemptively ban any taxes on meth should it ever be made legal.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephenbell6/
