CHICAGO — Local man Rob Klose insisted to anyone who would listen today that the Higher Plane dispensary in Logan Square was closed, despite neon-lit signs indicating otherwise and eyewitness reports that Klose had actually just pulled on the dispensary’s push door. “Yep, it’s totally closed today,” said Klose, blushing and refusing to make eye contact. “100% closed. I’d never seen anything so closed in my life. I told my friends there was no need to try opening the door again, because the place was 100% closed and that would be redundant. The place was closed, OK? It’s probably a bank holiday or something like that. I know some places close for Flag Day; it’s gotta be Flag Day in the owner’s home country. Or Christmas. Late Christmas. It’s probably a thing. Excuse me, I’m very busy.” While Klose’s friends went inside the well-lit and clearly open dispensary moments later, Klose himself tried to calm his anxiety at a nearby Applebee’s, only to make the same mistake all over again. 

Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah