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CHICAGO — A new study from the University of Chicago found that the average THC content of various cannabis strains has actually been better at keeping up with inflation than the current federal minimum wage.
“The inspiration for this study came after I got totally knocked on my ass after toking up for the first time since 1976. Naturally, being an economist, all I wanted to do while baked was make some graphs,” said University of Chicago economics professor Eric Goldfarb. “When I finally came down, I realized I completed a completely coherent, comprehensive study showing that while the THC levels in a standard joint have properly adjusted for inflation, the minimum wage has stagnated like some baseline schwag from the Reagan era. I made some other graphs too, but all they concluded was that I really wanted some fudge.”
Conscientious cannabis growers noted that this was done specifically to address inflation, which consumers everywhere appreciate.
“Naturally, being in the cannabis industry, I’ve watched ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory’ at least 100 times while stoned,” said cannabis grower Sarah Duncan. “Seeing Willy’s everlasting gobstopper helping kids with little pocket change still enjoy candy, I wanted to do the same with weed for those trying to make a living wage. One joint now lasts as long as 10 joints! Or at least it’s supposed to, if you don’t Augustus Gloop the weed and smoke it all in one sitting.”
“It’s nice that the weed I’m smoking is getting more potent, because the beans I eat for every meal sure as shit aren’t,” said cannabis user Harold Holt. “You’d think businesses like the Taco Bell I work for would be all for raising the minimum wage, given that it means I would be eating even more Taco Bell. If I don’t get a raise in pay soon, I might have to live inside Taco Bell… which, despite the jokes, would not actually be a dream of mine.”
Unsurprisingly, one politician took issue with the idea of people who are working minimum wage using cannabis at all.
“If these people are really so desperate for money, then they shouldn’t be wasting their money on anything that brings them even a single iota of joy,” said Illinois State Rep. Robert Corning. “They should be going to college, racking up large amounts of student debt, getting the only job available to them that’s slightly above minimum wage, and then attempting to pay off said debt but never coming any closer due to interest on the loans. That’s the honest thing to do.”
The Federal Reserve did express some concerns with the study’s findings, and is taking concrete steps to balance the scales.
“If THC content continues to outpace the minimum wage, then pretty soon people might demand they get paid solely in cannabis. And if that happens, faith in the U.S. dollar as currency will fall, and since all of the economies of the world peg the value of their currencies to the U.S. dollar, then the world economy collapses,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell. “That is why from now on, all new dollars we print will be exclusively printed on THC-infused hemp, and the value of each bill will be tied to its THC content. Just be careful to not rub it on your skin too much.”
When reached for comment, President Joe Biden was reportedly seen smoking a $100 bill in the oval office.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
