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WICHITA, Ks. — Certified Personal Accountant and Denver transplant Eli Wiedman has reportedly been so disappointed by the availability of recreational marijuana in his new hometown of Wichita, Ks., that he’s started slyly asking his new clients if they’re “withholding” as a way to see if they’d be able to hook him up.

“Hey, so… uh, you with-HOLDING?” he whispered to another client yesterday who requested anonymity, while allegedly making the “O.K.” hand gesture, pinching his thumb and index finger tightly together and pressing them up to his lips to simulate smoking a joint while raising his eyebrows up and down. “Because if you are, it’s a NON-TAXABLE SALE in the right situation.”

Wiedman, who last tried to buy cannabis on the traditional market in high school, is planning to visit the local bookstore if none of his clients can help him and ask for help finding “the REAL ‘Catcher in the Rye’” while winking profusely — the same code for cannabis he and his friends used during his senior year in 1989.

Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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