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People say they’re “big supporters of legalizing cannabis,” but I promise you: no one is a bigger supporter of weed legalization than me. At 10’6’’ and 900 pounds, I dwarf my fellow activists by a sizable margin, so if we’re speaking in terms of total mass, then there’s no question that I am weed’s largest supporter. 

But in terms of actual activism? That’s when things get more fairweather. 

I don’t really go to any legalization rallies anymore. It’s hard to get into the activist spirit when everyone is shouting, “Monster!” or, “The giant’s going to eat us!” and fleeing in terror from you. The last rally I attended was actually a lot of fun… up until I accidentally stepped on Willie Nelson in the middle of his speech. You have to understand that the only place that had enough room for me to stand was directly on the stage, and from this height, I honestly didn’t see him. From my perspective, he looked like a sickly chihuahua in a cowboy hat… not that that makes it much better. It’s been about a year and I’m still finding bits of his bandana on the bottom of my shoes. 

What people forget is that being the largest legal weed supporter also means that I’m the largest legal weed consumer — it takes a joint the size of a husky preteen to even begin to get me woozy. I can clean out an entire dispensary in a matter of minutes. And the munchies? Forget about it. I’ve fully demolished the Target snack aisle more times than I can count — it’s like a Super Toy Run, but just on tubs of cheese balls. What can I say? I am quite literally a big boy. 

My point is that I go through enough trouble as it is just to get high in the first place. Activism is out of the question. 

I still vote every chance I get — though my massive hands tend to crush the voting machines. I’ve even donated to Weedmaps a few times. I’d do more If I could, but I’ve got a giant wife, giant kids, and a giant castle on top of a giant beanstalk to take care of. I can’t spend my free time buying High Times stock anymore. They won’t even take my magic beans, anyway. 

So while I can’t commit to helping more with legalization efforts, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be down to pitch in on occasion — I could flip over a cop car or eat the odd GOP senator. Whatever you need, I’ll be just a few steps away. Literally. Because I’m fucking huge. 

Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.