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BISBEE, Ariz. — Professional repossession agent Mariana Newman volunteered to seize another tax evader’s nearly worthless car yesterday, hoping to potentially score an additional free stash of cannabis if found inside.
“This isn’t the job I ever planned to have, but once I realized how many people keep just way too much weed in their glove boxes — no matter their financial situation — I knew this was the career move for me,” Newman said, searching the rest of the car for any other cannabis hiding places. “And this dude had so much, especially considering it was a 2004 Ford Taurus. Like, either this guy smokes way too much, or he was stocked up for YEARS — it’s so much I might actually sell some back to him!”
Unsurprisingly, now ex-car owner James Calloway was far less concerned about the car than the cannabis left inside.
“I make a point to never pay my taxes, so it was only a matter of time before a T-bro showed up for my stuff,” Calloway admitted, burying the rest of his stash in his parents’ backyard. “The car is garbage, but I just bought literally thousands of dollars worth of this new strain called Cotton Candy Crush that’s like, super powerful and has a cotton candy after-taste, so I’m just worried they’ll smoke it without me. Maybe I should’ve left a note with my number or something?”
Fortunately for Calloway and others who’ve had their cars and personal cannabis stashes repossessed, some auto manufacturers are recognizing a market niche for in-car hiding places, and are working to incorporate them to come standard in their vehicles as soon as 2023.
“I empathize. I wouldn’t want a tax man taking my car just for the weed either. So, in all our vehicles, we’re adding a minimum of 25 new, secret compartments scattered throughout, with additional hideaways available as customizations. So if they try to reclaim your car, you can just break into the impound and steal your weed back,” said Ford Motors Head of Design Moray Callum. “Granted, for our customers who’d want this feature, they won’t be able to afford the first models until 2031 when they have over 100,000 miles on them, but at Ford, we’re planning for the future.”
“We’re rolling out a new ATV specifically made for breaking through the fence at the impound lot, that includes six secret compartments of its own until you can get your original car back,” countered James Keller, Honda’s Executive Vice President of Development. “We call that ‘backward integration.’”
Honda is allegedly working to create its own vanity cannabis strain for the launch, which will also be called “Backward Integration.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
