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TERRACE, British Columbia — Distance runner and technical winner of yesterday’s Terrace Marathon Melanie Bellwether was killed upon victory when the incredibly resilient hemp finish-line ribbon slid from her midsection to her neck as she reached the end, slicing her head clean off.
“It was truly grotesque to see, and I feel horrible… but the sound it made still makes me giggle when I think of it. Like something out of ‘Tom and Jerry,’” said Fletcher Chaintrich, who coordinated the first annual Marathon for Sustainability with sponsorships from local hemp growers and kombucha brewers. “It stretched as she ran with this springy cello-like sound, and even though she was slowing down, the rope crept up and took her whole head off with a clear pop and a splat. Thank God it landed upright, or the youngsters standing there would’ve seen the severed neck part. Good luck eating lasagna again after that.”
Hemp advocate Fernie Elkford said that while the community mourns the tragic loss of Bellwether and grieves with her family, the lesson all should take away from this event is the reliability and usefulness of hemp as a material.
“I’d like to see any other material this sustainable and cost-effective take someone’s head off that easily,” said Elkford via the free WiFi at Tim Hortons. “All the holy books tell us to use what we get from the earth and not to mess around with nature, probably, and frankly, this is a reminder that we always should’ve been. I can’t send enough good vibes and love and light to the poor woman’s family, but holy fuck, you can’t buy this kind of advertising.”
While authorities conduct a cursory investigation, the ribbon itself is being studied at the University of British Columbia’s School of Forensic Medicine.
“It’s just hemp: locally grown hemp, processed into a 2.5” wide string of instant fucking death,” said Dr. Vox Canard of the Running and Walking Deaths Department. “It’s possibly stronger pound for pound than carbon nanotubes with countless uses for that strength, as well as being ultra renewable. If the U.S. hadn’t vilified it, we’d be living in alien orgy condos on Pluto by now. But here we are: accidentally murdering athletes because of racist politicians. Typical. Get into running, Congress!”
Human testing is expected to begin on perforated hemp ribbons in time for next year’s Terrace Marathon, to be renamed the “Terrace 26-Mile Popsplat” in Bellwether’s memory.
Kyle Stanley runs this town. @KGordonStanley on Twitter and Instagram.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.