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HEAVEN — Omnipotent creator and cannabis hobbyist God announced this morning that they would be postponing the second Great Flood in order to save enough water for their fledgling grow op.
“I was just about to greenlight a new Great Flood to wipe out humanity and start over when I realized that it would use up about half the water I’d need to continue running my new greenhouse,” said the all-knowing abrahamic deity, enjoying his latest creation of a small-batch Gorilla Glue #7. “Me damn, does that shit take up a lot of water. It’s ridiculous. And somehow all you people don’t realize how scarce water is to begin with; literally everything on the planet uses it. I might be all-knowing and all-powerful, but even I’ve got my limits.”
“Humanity is still very much on my shit list,” they added, “but you’re all going to be on the backburner until I can sort this thing out.”
Unfortunately, the heavenly greenhouse complex requires much more water than God had initially planned, as the average grow op requires thousands of gallons of water per year in order to operate.
“There’s only so much to go around,” said Jesus, God’s son and head of operations at Divine Growth, God’s latest grow op. “And no, we can’t just make more water — just like the government can’t just print money. That’s not how it works. This whole operation is doing the heavy lifting for God’s retirement, so for now, it’s the priority… at least until we get a few more decent yields in. Once we do, welcome to ‘flood city.’ Population? all of you fuck heads.”
While God said the list of reasons for a second flood was “literally miles long,” the aging deity had already invested too much time in the grow op to let it go to waste.
“Like Jesus said, this is my retirement. A few more years and I’ll be living it up in the flooded remains of Sarasota with Jesus and Mrs. God… but for now, I’ve got to concentrate on growing as much divine bud as possible,” they admitted. “As much as I’d like to drown every single one of you blasphemous losers in a glorious, holy flood, the weed comes first.”
God also noted that they’re looking to hire more workers for the grow op, offering a solid benefits package as well as a chance for upward mobility. “You’ll still die in the flood, though,” they added.
Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.