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MINOOKA, Ill. — Hiding from a crowd of excited tourists behind a large pile of reproduction artillery shells, Civil War reenactor Gary Simmons realized moments ago that he was far too high to give the reenactment’s cannon demonstration.
“Four score and seven minutes ago I thought it’d be a good idea to use my reproduction Springfield rifle as a makeshift bong. And it absolutely was a good idea… but I forgot that today was my day to do the cannon demonstration,” said Simmons, a longtime member of the 75th Skokie Cavalry. “Operating a Civil War cannon requires the poise and precision of Lincoln during his first election, and I’m operating at about the level of Lincoln after his assasination. I still have a bunch of herb stashed in the barrel of that cannon, too, so there’s a good chance that everyone within 500 yards won’t be able to drive home sober if it goes off.”
Many attending the reenactment wondered why the start was delayed, but were willing to wait while Simmons got his bearings.
“I can’t wait to see them fire the cannon!” said Minooka resident Karen Burg. “Although I’m not sure why the artillery officer guy was sucking on the end of a rifle earlier. Probably some cool reenactor stuff I’m just not in the loop on. It’s really incredible the lengths these guys will go to for historical accuracy.”
While there is little danger of injury or death during the troop’s reenactment, Simmons’ commanding officers were unamused, alleging that this was not the first time they’d had this issue.
“Jesus ‘Stonewall’ Jackson Christ, Simmons,” said 75th Skokie Calvary Captain Alan Shandling when Simmons appeared noticeably stoned. “All these good people want to see someone fire a cannon, not to watch you fumble through our mess tent in search of era-appropriate field rations! I didn’t dress in this all-wool uniform in the 90-degree sun for you to giggle at a damn fife.”
“I swear, if real Union soldiers got as high as Simmons does all the time, the Confederacy would have won the war easily,” agreed Thomas Walker, who typically portrays Gen. Ulysses S. Grant. “Biden would be at a meeting with Confederate President elect Tucker Carlson right now.”
After a few minutes to steel himself and eat a little hardtack, Simmons — ever the professional — prepared to complete the show. “I guess if real soldiers could load a cannon during a battle, then I should be able to do it while high,” he said. “Just like General Grant once said, ‘My failures have been errors in judgment, not of intent. Now, where does this pointy thing go again?”
Jonah Nink writes for a bunch of places. He also assures us that he “has definitely smoked a weed or two.” @mymanjonah
