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WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats apologized today for their inability to legalize cannabis, admitting they were intent on doing so until Leadership accidentally threw out the instructions after only step 1 of 6.
“It’s a hot topic, so we had to be sure to monitor the temperature in Washington before inserting the motion into a bigger bill, since just like your worst friend at a party, we’re not going to pass it by our own volition until we absolutely have to,” stated House Speaker Rep. Nancy Pelosi. “But then once conditions were finally right, when we needed to pull focus from the infrastructure bill’s failures, we realized someone from our coalition tossed out the instructions during the prep stages. I thought I would remember exactly what to do to push this bill through, but to all of our surprise, I forgot. Alas. Now we’ve gotta go digging through the trash for that process we drafted.”
“Super sorry about this, guys,” Rep. Ted Lieu said, elbow-deep in a dumpster filled with bills on police & prison reform, social services, and health care. “Hopefully no raccoons took the instructions, like they did with our nuclear disarmament bills. Boy, was my face red that day.”
While Pelosi and company tried to retrieve the strategy agreed upon by several activists and cannabis professionals — a tried-and-tested process that already met with success in many states nationwide — President Biden informed the party those instructions were unnecessary.
“Look, getting bills like this through Congress is more of a feel thing,” Biden explained. “You don’t need some outside source’s step-by-step instructions — you can read the room and easily tell if it’s the right time to take the bill off the floor and vote. You’ll smell it!”
Biden later added, “On the other hand, I’m an old-timer. I don’t know anything about cannabis laws. So I leave it to the younger guns to get things cookin’, and I’ll just wait over here in the next room watching ‘Jeopardy!’ until they tell me it’s all done and bring it over.”
Ultimately, Democratic leadership simply gave up rather than looking up the instructions online or attempting to extrapolate based on how almost all other laws are generally passed, upon which Vice President Kamala Harris brought the entire Democratic coalition lemon bars to thank them for the “good show.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
