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When my state first legalized cannabis, I was over the moon! I was one of the first in line to get approved for a producer’s permit. Weed has been central to pretty much everything in my life, so I figured, why not work in the industry? I figured I’d get to team up with cool, chill stoners, smoke all day, and you know, take it mostly easy.
Boy, was I wrong. First of all: what is with all these crazy regulations? There are cameras at every turn in the grow room and on the production line. If I so much as LOOK at a bud in a desired way, I could be canned. What’s worse, if I’m visibly high at work, it’s a fineable offense! To be completely honest, I’m too afraid of not hitting my packing numbers anyway to come in stoned. No one is chill here at all. All of my eight weed jokes didn’t land with anyone during my first week, and I’m feeling really isolated. These people actually just want to work and earn a paycheck, it seems.
Also, the time clock is super complicated, and you can’t even be like, five minutes late. This honestly feels like a Ford plant in the 1960s or an Amazon warehouse or something. We have to stand for eight hours straight and constantly be working. I thought cannabis culture was all about the sharing of love, but it turns out when you legalize and regulate a commodity, it’s just treated like any other product that consumers demand without considering workers’ rights. And don’t even get me started on the dress code here. Hairnets? Jump suits? Look, if I wanted to work in a prison kitchen, I’d just go burn one in front of a cop in Idaho or something.
This whole experience has really changed how I think about herb. I miss the old days, where you could secretly trim for $25 an hour in some guy named Travis’ basement — now those were the days. I’m getting to the point where I don’t know how much longer I can last on both a moral and physical level! I am beyond beat, and the weed perks aren’t even worth it anymore.
At this point, I’m thinking about going back to work at my dad’s accounting firm. At least there I could get stoned in the parking lot on lunch breaks, and I could flub my hours a little bit if I needed a little extra for rent that month.
Take it from me: if weed is legalized in your state, big business WILL ruin it!
Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.