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We at Craft Cannabis understand Covid restrictions are being rolled back and allowing for slightly larger crowds indoors, but after a staff meeting last week, we decided we’re keeping the 25% capacity crowd limit. Not so much because we feel it’s safer — mostly so y’all stop just hanging out at the store.

Though infection numbers have decreased, we are now faced with a different danger: the danger of annoying, too-loyal customers loitering inside. We value your business and love that you enjoy hanging out, but I assure you, we only love you for the 5 minutes we interact. After that, enough is enough. We don’t need to hear about the adventures you plan to take [or not take] with our product. We are glad we saw you, and would like to keep it that way.

You can understand, right? Look… you know that friend who comes over to play FIFA every now and then, and once the game ends, just kinda stays? Or maybe a better example: what about the old-world dealers in the “traditional” market, who would drop off your product, but then stay and expect to smoke and order Chinese food and watch “Tenet” with you? Yeah… that’s you guys now.

When we adopted the Starbucks model of comfy chairs and vintage books, we expected a handful of people hanging out for short spurts while waiting for their service and product. Instead, we’ve had multi-hour nappers bringing in outside food and drinks, settling in like they’re back in their parents’ basement. The Covid restrictions gave us a welcome relief from gently waking our customers and asking them to leave every hour, and we have no intentions of bringing that part of our business back.

Anyway, we love you all, and look forward to serving you again soon. But for real, 25% capacity is staying in place indefinitely. The peace and quiet this past year has been really nice and we just can’t go back.

Unless, that is, you join our premium membership for $500/month. Then you can hang out as long as you want.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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