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CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Phil Jenning, well-known LSD micro-doser, has become notorious for telling everyone around that he micro-doses, then returning to let everyone know after he took the LSD in question.
“I don’t have a problem with him micro-dosing, I have a problem with him constantly talking about it,” stated co-worker Laura Brem. “Like, we get it, Phil. You don’t have to explain how it works every morning, then come back when you’re about to take it, then come back again while it’s in effect, then let us know when it wears off. I thought the whole point of micro-dosing was so it wouldn’t be so noticeable!”
Jenning mentioned he tries not to be irritating about his practice as often as possible.
“I know people get super annoying about this stuff, this is me holding back!” he began explaining, nearly mentioning he was just about to take a micro-dose but stopping himself mid-word. “I don’t wanna be one of those people, but like, micro-dosing is sweet and I wanna tell people about it. They should all try it. You should too. OK, let me tell you why you need to try micro-dosing immediately…”
[Jenning then proceeded to speak without so much as taking a breath or blinking for 3 hours straight]
Several prominent scientists in the field who have advocated the benefits of micro-dosing have made sure to warn of the dangerous side effects.
“Micro-dosing can help with things like clarity and focus, but obviously there is the risk of the person never shutting up about it,” commented Dr. Lisa Henning. “But that’s the risk with most drugs, the user being just the worst, most exasperating person ever because of it. At least with micro-dosing they’re slightly less annoying than those taking a regular dose.”
Dr. Henning later added the behavior is common beyond drug users, stating, “Micro-dosers are essentially the same as people who do the Keto diet and CrossFit: the worst.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.