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OATMAN, Ariz. — Harris Peters, a long time traditional market cannabis distributor with 20 years experience, was denied employment yesterday at a cannabis distribution business due to his criminal record, a result of being arrested six years ago for low-level cannabis distribution.

“My experience makes me a perfect candidate — I know all about different kinds of bud, how to talk to people so they don’t feel stupid asking important questions, and the best ways to gently get them to leave after the transaction is complete. Yet, my direct experience also disqualifies me, due to the legal requirements within their hiring policy,” Peters said. “If no dispensary can hire me, I might have to go back to selling independently… which I think would, in turn, probably get me arrested again.”

“It’s like I’m in a Groundhog Day time loop, except the weed version,” he added glumly. “Someone called it a ‘catch-420’ and as much as I wanted to punch them, it sure feels like that’s what it is.”

Green Dreams dispensary owner Laura Marcus admitted that while she was legally unable to hire Peters, she would have loved to offer him the job, even though she typically shies away from hiring anyone with a record.

“From what I can tell, the basic crime this person committed was selling a leftover gram to his roommate, who folded faster than Dan Bilzerian in the World Series of Poker when police offered to let him out of his ticket for possession in exchange for his dealer,” Marcus said while offloading several pounds of cannabis from a delivery truck driven by a registered ex-con. “He knows his herb, that much was clear from the interview. But the state takes a hard line against anyone who smoked a little weed before they gave their permission.”

Court Magistrate Paul Larkin was approached about expunging Peters’ record to help him re-enter the workforce, but was unable to comply.

“I planned to file the expungement last Friday afternoon, but I missed the deadline after taking an edible Thursday night and sleeping through my morning hearings,” Larkin admitted, opening a tincture he’d procured from Green Dreams earlier this week. “I understand how ridiculous the situation is, but realistically, there’s only so much I can do about it… unless he’s willing to undersell the dispensary. In which case, please send him to my chambers immediately.”

While Marcus was unable to offer Peters a job, she did take care to note his use of the phrase “Catch 420,” noting it could very well be used for marketing purposes down the line.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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