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LOS ANGELES — Throughout generations of blockbuster movies from Hollywood, dozens of new micro-genres have come along and revolutionized what people want and expect from films. From classic rom-coms to “buddy” flicks, it seems like almost every taste has been catered to at one point or another.
But in 2021, major Hollywood producers are banking on a new style of comedy: “CBD” movies, an updated take on classic “stoner” films that hold greater mass acceptance, are incredibly expensive to make, and not really funny.
“The first CBD movie is going to be a real doozy,” said Sony Pictures CEO Tony Vinciquerra during a press conference to announce the new genre’s touchstone film. “It’s all about this young guy about to go on a road trip adventure to score $100,000 with his buddies, but instead, he decides to stay back home and just apply for a small business loan to open a store that doesn’t sell eyeglasses, but acts as a repair shop middleman for larger eyeglass store chains.”
“I was working at my desk in marketing when Mr. Vinciquerra tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I wanted to star in a movie, and before I could even respond, someone from the costume department was holding a tape measure next to me,” said Henry Sack, a Sony Pictures employee who vaguely looks like Seth Rogen and will allegedly star in the movie. Flapping his arms to try to recreate how he felt being “plucked” for stardom, gathered media met his antics with deafening silence.
“That right there is the kind of mass appeal humor you can expect from this movie,” said Vinciquerra. “I think this will be our biggest hit of the year.”
The Sony Pictures team agreed.
“Our CBD cinematic universe will be a premium experience that will come with a price tag just a smidgen bit higher,” said Executive Vice President Erik Moreno. “We feel that moviegoers will have no issue putting up $50 to see this minimal thrill ride on the big screen.
“There’s no hyperbole when I say ‘universe’ — we’ve thought through every detail,” said Features & Series President Kristine Belson. “These movies will only be sold at movie theatres that don’t sell snacks or drinks. The seats in the theatres will be adjusted to include very slightly enhanced cushions, and we’ll be breaking ground in the world of cinema by insisting that the lights be kept on while the movie plays.”
Rumors are swirling that the only merchandise available for the CBD movie will be a reasonable pair of khakis.
Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter @iamTannenbaum
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.