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SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — In a turn of events that “literally everyone saw coming,” local asshole and repeat DUI offender Lance Johnson allegedly mistook his court-mandated breathalyzer for a vape yet again last week.
Johnson is well-known in Sioux Falls for a string of DUIs that required the installation of the breathalyzer in his 1991 Chevrolet Corsica late last year. “One time he got so hammered, he thought a pool noodle was a bong and ingested a bunch of chlorinated water and had to go to the hospital,” noted ex-girlfriend Shirley Mikkleson. “If he just stuck to weed, he’d honestly probably be better off.”
“You fucks just don’t get the vape life, just like that idiot Judge Orlandi,” Johnson said when friends and colleagues pulled him away from his breathalyzer last night. “There’s no problem here. I drink as much as the next man, as long as the next man knows how to fucking drink.”
Regulars at the Pig Side Bar, where the latest incident occurred, said Johnson has doubled down on pretending to vape from his in-car breathalyzer since he was legally forced to install it, to prove it’s all part of his lifestyle choice. “He now gets up from his bar stool every 10 minutes and announces he has to ‘go hit his vape again,’” said regular Rafeal Vasques. “Look, man… sure. I guess a breathalyzer kind of looks like a vape. But it’s literally attached to his car, with a thick-ass cord. And he sure ain’t blowing clouds of French toast from it when he finishes.”
In the car, despite the breathalyzer having a sticker attached that reads, “Don’t drink and drive,” Johnson insisted that “that is just good advice” before demonstrating how the ignition-inhibiting breathalyzer attached to the dashboard could be mistaken for a vape, failing the test and vomiting out the window from inhaling on his breathalyzer too hard.
Wiping vomit from his chin, the 53-year-old Johnson insisted, “Everyone around here just doesn’t vape, they don’t get it. Both breathalyzers and vaporizers have come a long way. Simple mistake. Technology, man.”
“Indeed, both have come a long way,” noted fellow former repeat DUI offender and current vape expert Shane de Gerre, “but put simply: one you blow into, and the other you don’t.”
Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp
