Are you of legal age to consume cannabis related news?
BOULDER, Co. — Wings of Weed budtender Julie Moses was allegedly “more than happy” yesterday to help you piece together random bits of your memories of getting high to find a very specific strain of cannabis that you called, “That One You Guys Had a While Back That Was SO Good.”
“That won’t be a problem at all,” said Moses cheerily after you gave her absolutely nothing else to go on. “I can locate that easily — even if you don’t know the name, whether it’s sativa or indica or a hybrid, what the package looked like, how it made you feel, or literally anything at all about a product you are purchasing for the sixth time.”
“Nobody minds waiting while we get to the bottom of this, right?” Moses asked the line of customers waiting outside due to legal restrictions, to which they all shrugged dejectedly.
Moses very kindly and patiently took the time to walk you through a wide range of additional products that you could easily remember by keeping the receipt, looking at the label more than once, or just writing yourself a note in your phone, knowing full well that you never would.
“While I have you here,” Moses continued, “let me tell you about our new infused beverage, ‘Like a Strawberry Soda But With Weed In It or Something.’ It’s a 100% organic, vegan, gluten-free carbonated refresher that contains 50 milligrams of THC per bottle, all details I expect you to either forget or ignore completely. We’ve also got a sale going on, with $10 off the cartridges of ‘the stuff they squeeze out of weed that kinda looks like honey’ when you spend $50 or more.”
Thankfully, your painfully vague descriptions are ushering an industry-wide trend. A pivot to consumer-centric culture in the cannabis industry has led to items receiving names that more accurately reflect the customer’s understanding of the product.
“The customer is the lifeblood of our business,” dispensary owner Mark Ronawski said of his decision to change his company’s name from “GreenTide” to “Where They Have Legal Weed.” “If we bamboozle them with confusing names that don’t explicitly describe the product, then they may feel too intimidated to return. So this adjustment was a no-brainer, and it’s worked like a charm: our newest batch of flower, ‘The Pot That I Swear Smells Like Neapolitan Ice Cream,’ sold out in just three days.”
Fellow customers with no interest in learning anything about the cannabis products they buy can visit Where They Have Legal Weed right off of the Concrete Road Highway, between the Motorized Vehicles with Gasoline Engines car dealership and the Animals You Aren’t Supposed To Eat pet store.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
