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SEATTLE — CEO Mark Donner of AllCann Warehouse, the online store billing itself as the “Amazon of cannabis paraphernalia,” announced today that his company has been driven out of business by the actual Amazon and it’s own paraphernalia spinoff site, AmazonHigh.com.
“It was a delivery service for all your weed-related needs… besides the actual weed, for legal reasons,” Donner said. “And we had everything, from blueberry-flavored pre-rolled rolling papers all the way to a Volcano vaporizer bag attachment that could fit around a horse’s muzzle. But then the actual Amazon rolled up and copied my idea, and started selling all the vapes and bongs and grinders and whatnot themselves.”
“Nothing is sacred to these guys,” Donner added, wiping a tear away. “We even tried doing a subscription-based streaming service of watching celebrities getting high, but sure enough, here comes Prime with seven shows that are just following Seth Rogen or Snoop Dogg around their homes. You’d think that there might be one corner of online commerce that could be ours. But even my pals peddling sex toys and hardcore pornography are losing business to Amazon.”
“It’s not like Amazon just showed up one day, grabbed him by the ankles and held him upside down and shook him until a stash of PAX 3s fell out of his pockets. He could’ve planned better,” admitted silent partner Liz Marcus, who is receiving 2,000 novelty bongs as part of her compensation. “We all saw this coming. Also, they offered to buy us out several times, and he just kept quoting that ‘Social Network’ line about ‘a billion’ and hanging up on them.”
Despite the setbacks, Donner is hopeful he can simply rebrand and restart, rather than giving up entirely.
“Maybe if we sell homemade smoking paraphernalia. Make it crafty,” Donner said. “There’s no way an ‘Etsy of cannabis’ will suffer the same fate, right?”
“Oh, shit. I shouldn’t have said that out loud,” Donner added. “Do you think billing it as the ‘Amazon of cannabis’ attracted their attention like Sauron to The Ring and gave them the idea?”
Representatives from Amazon confirmed Donner’s theory, stating, “Yes, that’s exactly what happened.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
