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LOS ANGELES — The LAPD Narcotics Division claimed today that they’ve completed the biggest cannabis bust in their history after raiding a “gigantic” illicit grow operation, estimating the total street value of confiscated cannabis at “over $1 billion dollars,” bless their little hearts.
“We are extremely proud to have rid the streets of this scourge against our city, and this operation has been our highest priority over the past year and a half,” said Det. Jocelyn Gresham, standing next to a pathetic haul of sub-par mids while simultaneously revealing just how incompetent her little blue-pants doofus club had become. “If these people want to get rich growing and selling reefer in Los Angeles, they need to go through the proper channels.”
Footage of the raid recorded by onlookers showed a platoon of officers knocking down the front door of the crime scene with a battering ram while announcing, “LAPD! This is a drug bust! Do NOT flush any of your drugs down the toilet, because we’re coming in there to confiscate them!” only to trip and fall in a heap upon entry and then, try as they might, struggle to get up due to their excessive body armor, the poor suckers.
Unsurprisingly, the LAPD refuted the footage. “We can promise you this footage is fake,” Gresham said, “as none of our officers reported hearing ‘Yakety Sax’ during the raid, and you can clearly hear it in the video. Our officers tried very hard today and some of them are real tuckered out, so let’s give them a nice round of applause, OK?”
Despite giving the bust “the ol’ college try,” commenters on the Narcotics Division’s Facebook page quickly pointed out the obvious: the total volume of cannabis seized did not line up with the alleged “billion-dollar” price tag. “They say they confiscated about 33,000 pounds of mids, and every novice dealer — never mind anyone who watched ‘Weeds’ — knows that selling in bulk at $2,000 a pound would be generous at this volume,” said Facebook commenter and local mom Tammi Carmelo. “Even if they were moving single doobs at festival prices, turning that into a BILLION would be a bit of a stretch. Y’all are the cutest.”
“Aw, look at that. Some detective who can’t even tie his own shoes got the prices for weed and coke mixed up again,” added commenter Patrick Ioli. “Just adorable. They think they know drugs!”
When asked about the discrepancy, Gresham rejected all criticisms. “If anything, this just shows how hardworking and frugal our officers are. You see, if they were actual dealers, our boys wouldn’t limit their profits by selling below peak market price — they’d actually cut their drugs with chemical additives and sell them on playgrounds to get the maximum value out of every gram. And you wanna know why? Because they care about the taxpayer.”
In related news, last Tuesday officers in Orange County ended a high-speed chase on I-405, courageously pulling over a sober Tesla driver who was traveling at nearly 78 miles per hour, earning puffy stickers and a sweet Lisa Frank notebook for putting their lives on the line.
This article was beamed to us by an Oreganaut.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.