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Guest essayist Matthew Shultz is the 26-year-old frontman of Chicago underground band Vulgar Commons and is an avid promoter of widespread cannabis use. He is most widely known for inciting a riot at local favorite concert venue The Beat Kitchen in July of 2021, when he was told he couldn’t smoke spliffs while performing.

When I realized this morning that this upcoming Monday was Labor Day, I immediately canceled the two shows I had scheduled for that night, consequences be damned. I am a proud American, and not taking Labor Day off to chill would, in my opinion, be unpatriotic and downright sacrilegious. After all, my great-great-grandfather didn’t work toil in a factory for all those years and risk his ass to fight for labor rights, just for me to not get high as fuck on Labor Day.

As a bonus, I’m also ghosting these greedy, money-slut venues for making the mistake of being open on Labor Day. The world will live without me doing a couple of hungover acoustic brunch shows for some basic white girls drinking too many mimosas. They should be having brunch at home, where they can hit their bongs or have some solid brewskis in peace — just as our ancestors would have wanted us to do.

I always take Labor Day really seriously. My great-great-grandfather came from the old country, slaughtering hogs at the factory for 17 hours a day so I could celebrate my American right to get clouded as fuck while playing disc-golf all of Labor Day. He’d be spinning in his grave, wherever it is, if I didn’t. I’m sure of it.

And frankly, blazing is just about the most patriotic activity I can think of. It took us so much work to get cannabis legalized, even on the state level, that the only right thing to do is celebrate our hard labor by doing at least one fat dab on Monday.

I mean, sure — my great-great-grandfather’s generation did all of the real work of getting us the day off, all weekends off, and a slew of worker’s rights through years of strikes and suffering borderline slave labor. But some of the petitions I filled out back in the day to legalize in Illinois took up to 30 minutes for me to complete. And I filled out at least five of those things, which very well could’ve led to cannabis getting legalized in Illinois and finally being able to celebrate Labor Day the way it was meant to be celebrated: ripped out of our fucking minds.

Anyone who isn’t taking Labor Day off to get inebriated in their favorite way isn’t just disrespecting me — they’re disrespecting our ancestors. And if you have a douchebag boss making you work the holiday, then light up a fatty on the spot and tell them to go fuck themselves, since that’s also what this day is about. That’s what I did, anyway, and it led directly to me becoming a full-time musician, complete with my own couch to call home.

So, if you’re a true American, show a little pride and add some of the devil’s lettuce to your last summer BBQ this year, so you can be in the right state of mind to start making more demands from our government for the working class — such as the right to universal healthcare, or to smoke spliffs at concerts.

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.