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BOSTON — The cannabis conglomerate WeedCorp announced today that, due to social pressure, they are implementing their first “social equity” measure, a $0.12/hour work release program for prisoners incarcerated for cannabis-related charges.
“It’s a perfectly symbiotic relationship between my multi-faceted MSO and the good people who paved our way,” WeedCorp CEO Chad Bogart III said while staring out the window of his high-rise office complex. “They gained such extensive experience in our industry that they were imprisoned for it, in one of the greatest injustices in 21st century America. And now, I’m righting those wrongs by giving them the opportunity to turn their lives around. That’s true synergy, right there.”
WeedCorp hiring manager Elizabeth Benning agreed, clarifying vehemently that the various tax write-offs and benefits received from working with current inmates were in no way related to the community outreach program. “We’re looking to help in the rehabilitation process,” she began. “We know these people who broke ground before us are simply repaying their debt to society. The fact that we don’t have to pay them because they’re still in prison AND we get a tax break is just a minor detail that we honestly didn’t even think about until people mentioned it just now.”
MCI-Cedar Junction Prison Warden Jackson Marist had only positive feedback for the program, seeing immense benefits to the workers.
“It gets ‘em out of the place for a little while,” Marist said. “You can tell they’re happy to be out and about. Sure, sometimes they smuggle something back inside, and when we catch them, it means they’ll get to work with WeedCorp this way for that much longer. The system works.”
Surprisingly, some social workers support the program as well, even as its legitimacy comes into question. Case worker Ken Finley, who helps ex-inmates adjust to life outside prison, is optimistic about the program’s long-term efficacy.
“I think it’s just wonderful what they’re doing over there at WeedCorp,” Finley said, awkwardly smiling and nodding. “Absolutely the best equity program I’ve ever seen. Ever. Full stop. They are definitely not paying me to say that either.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.