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LINTHICUM, Md. — After a series of tests involving rodents and the effects of cannabis at one of the nation’s leading research facilities, more than a few of the test subjects are reportedly wondering when they would get another crack at “that one experiment with the maze and the cheese, but like, even better than normal.”
“Ah man, that was the best day ever,” recalled Garbanzo, a chubby little mouse who consumed one-fifth its body weight in THC during one particular maze run at the Greater Maryland Marijuana Research Facility. “We were running around like looney tunes, and then at the end, we got a fat hunk of aged cheddar. I thought it couldn’t get any better for a talking African pygmy mouse, but if I could do that again, right now? Boy, oh boy, I’d be in heaven.”
Overwhelmingly, in the experiments done to determine the effects of various strains on a rodent’s motivation, the feedback from the mice reflected a definite preference for sativa.
“I’m a mouse of simple pleasures,” squealed test subject Bowser after taking a long rip off a bite-sized little vape pen of Sour Diesel. “Stick me in a maze and feed me some cheese, and I’m a happy guy. And at this moment, I feel like I would absolutely nail it. Something about suckin’ on this zoot-stick makes me think I’d clear that bitch in two minutes flat. Also, I could murder some gruyere right now.”
The data gathered from this series of tests was hailed by the research team as “revolutionary” in the understanding of how mice interact with certain strains of cannabis, a question which has plagued science for decades.
“I finally feel as though my work has made a difference in the world,” reflected Dr. Horace Lemire, who led the experiment. “For years, the leaders in every field of science have tried and failed to unravel the mystery of whether or not mice are better or worse at finding cheese when high. Now, we finally have the answer, and we know sativa is the key. Oh, and apparently, they can talk, too.”
The research team hopes to continue conducting similar experiments in the near future, including an upcoming venture involving three mice to test the effects of cannabis on visual impairment.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
