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SAN FRANCISCO — A new gas mask water pipe hit the cannabis consumption accessories market this week, bringing a new twist to the idea of “weed-induced relaxation” by coming with a wire scalp massager attachment.
The stylish new gas mask bong, aptly named the “Goosepump,” enables users to hit a “deeper unwind” by tickling the most sensitive parts of users’ heads while they immerse themselves in their favorite strains.
“We saw a market that was entirely oversaturated and asked ourselves, ‘What’s missing?’ When we saw the answer was ‘basically nothing,’ we knew we had to invent a way to horn in on the cannabis craze,” said lead product developer Nakita Aetos. “Goosepump is all about delivering that extra little treat to the gas mask experience. Everyone can remember a time when they got super stoned in college and a roommate broke out one of those head massagers — it felt fucking great and funny all at the same time. In that way, we are creating a sense of nostalgia, as well as added comfort and sensation, for the affordable price of $249.”
Early consumer testing found that users leave the mask on for much longer than the average product on the market due to the massage, in turn enhancing the high.
“It’s pretty wild,” said consumer tester Jake Roland in his exit interview. “It’s like… you want to stay in there. But because you do, you get higher. And you think, well, like… might as well light it again. And it’s like… wait. What were we talking about again?”
Indeed, all indicators point to the product being a success, and Goosepump hopes to land in other legal state markets as soon as next year, offering several different colors and wire shapes to choose from, including “spider legs,” “bony hand,” and “cooking whisk.”
However, after Goosepump takes the world by storm, don’t expect developers to rest on their laurels. “The future is bright for these kinds of devices,” said Aetos. “We’re already working on a new pipe that includes an attachment which lightly scrapes lines down each of the user’s fingers, like your friend used to do on the schoolbus to tell your fortune.”
Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.