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LOS ANGELES — The staff at the GreenLife dispensary shared a team-building event last week, which ironically did not include any cannabis-related activities and instead consisted mainly of drinking.
“I figured we should get some sort of social lubricant to help people loosen up a little… help them let their guard down so we could become a stronger work family before the holidays hit,” stated manager Maggie Bellen while reshelving a cannabis-infused edible called “Social Lubricannabint.” “I Googled ‘team building,’ and they all seemed to be activities at a bar, so drinking seemed like the obvious commonality. And it was like a light bulb went off: ‘Right! A substance that will help people be comfortable!’ It was good I came across that too, because I couldn’t think of a darn thing for us all to do together.”
Though a loud, poorly lit dive bar may not seem like the ideal venue for team building for a more corporate office, several employees saw it as a welcome change from their usual activities. “It’s not like we can smoke. We work at a dispensary,” said employee Mark Allen. “We all get together and smoke every day after work anyway, as well as before, and during when we can — so burning a blunt together doesn’t really count as a team-building thing anymore. Besides, with drinking, we’re much more likely to shout at anyone who will listen about how much we love each other — if we got high together, we’d probably just talk about the metaphysical implications of renaissance era art or something like that.”
While the team enjoyed themselves and came away with a deeper sense of appreciation for each other, bar manager Nolan Periodo was pretty surprised the GreenLife team came to his establishment.
“I don’t really get why they’d come here for $9 Bud Lights when they have access to so many other options, but whatever,” Periodo said. “They all smoked before they tried the axe throwing station, and honestly, they were better than just about anyone else who did it.”
Though drinking served its purpose, Bellen debated planning a team-building trip for next year. “I think we’ll learn a lot from that,” she said. “Maybe too much. But, hey, you want to create a family atmosphere, you gotta learn way too much about each other while confronting your own deepest insecurities.”
If the team-building trip happens, Bellen believes she’ll ask everyone to source their own ayahuasca but will provide monogrammed, personalized buckets for each team member to throw up in.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.