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MENDOCINO, Calif. — A tight-knit trim crew in Mendocino became increasingly horrified last week on their sixth hour of listening to a true crime podcast marathon during their workday, slowly realizing that the gruesome tale they were hearing was about their own farm.
“High up in the hills of Mendocino County, marijuana has been a way of life for quite some time,” began “Crime Destinations” podcast host Ilby Battaglia in the series episode titled “Killabis.” “Where there is life, however, there is also death, and killings were certainly a part of this way of life, as well. For one farm in the area which shall remain nameless, the micro-community enforcer was a man known simply as ‘Big Jon’ — a large, burly and bearded sweetheart to those who stayed on his good side; to those who stepped out of line, a ruthless killer with assets to protect.”
“Hearing that, I immediately pictured Jonathan Stromboski,” said third-year trimmer Mary Styles. “The description was almost exact: Jonathan is somehow connected to the farm owners, but he’s basically the farm’s errand boy from what I can tell. He’s definitely large, bearded, and seems mostly sweet, even if he has a lot of guns.”
“And he always went by Jonathan,” added fellow trimmer Mark Dunnigan, “except on one night after work, when one of the long-time harvesters drunkenly addressed him as ‘Big J,’ and Jonathan shot him an icy look and asked him for a quick chat in the greenhouse. I always assumed that that harvester quit, because we never saw him again after that.”
As the trim crew continued to listen, the details only seemed to ring closer to home. “Some say the high grade quality of the product coming from this farm is fed by the decaying victims’ bodies in the soil,” Battaglia said after an interview with a former farm manager who only spoke off the record through a voice modulator. “In fact, our sources tell us that the now wildly popular ‘Thief Blood’ strain originated on this farm from their deadly practices.”
“We’ve been trimming nothing but Thief Blood for several weeks now,” Dunnigan admitted, sharing a knowing look of paranoia with Styles. “And the soil we use for it is way more pungent than anything else we use on the farm.”
“The only person on the trim team who didn’t make eye contact when we heard that was the trim room manager who had been there for years,” confided Styles. “He seemed totally unphased and just kept his head down, trimming.”
Remaining staff have all since agreed to listen to anything but true crime podcasts together, and urge interested parties to stay as far away from the farm as possible.
Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.