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ST. LOUIS, Mo. — A Missouri man received a felony conviction yesterday stemming from a cannabis possession charge after having the nerve to accidentally eat the wrong kind of brownie at his high school reunion afterparty in June.
“Things were going fine at first — I was slamming some Bud Lights and catching up with the old crew, just like any other time I visited home, when my eyes crossed some brownies that looked like they’d pair well with my drunchies,” explained 28-year-old Liam Duncan in his first public remarks since the sentencing. “So I just inhaled one… and that’s when I noticed they were separated into two trays, and my buddy who still works at Guitar Center gave me a wink. Not even an hour later, I’m stoned off my ass and for some reason talking with a cop in a Denny’s parking lot, and because I was accidentally high and within 500 feet of a school, he charged me with possession, which resulted in a full-blown felony. It’s complete horse shit, man.”
Duncan’s maximum charge is sadly par for the course in Missouri, a state with a long history of imprisoning non-violent offenders.
“Those fuckers snatched me trying to get into a Cinnabon at the mall right before it closed. The security guard got really upset when I called him ‘Paul Blart,’ and that was that,” said Klay Benton, serving a five-year sentence for intent to distribute after police found four cannabis gummies on him during a search. “In plenty of states that would just be considered a normal Friday night, but when I get out, I’m practically barred from getting any real job ever again just because I was unlucky enough to be in fucking Missouri.”
“God damn,” Benton added. “I hate this fucking state.”
St. Louis County Police Chief Keith Dimbie did respond to press inquiries about the incidents.
“I don’t care if these snowflakes put marijuana in Tootsie Rolls — that shit is illegal and just as bad as crystal meth. That’s exactly why I pull officers from our hardcore drug stings to seek out stoned fools seeking out their stoner meals — gateway drugs lead to gateway prison sentences for a reason,” boasted Dimbie. “We’ve had a lot of success catching these degenerates at Taco Bells, Outback Steakhouses, and Jimmy Johns. I sleep a lot better at night knowing their lives are ruined, and they’re thinking twice before having the nerve to eat the wrong brownie or light a bone cone on my watch.”
Meanwhile across the Mississippi River, East St. Louis is set to revitalize its entire parks system after the state of Illinois executed drastic cannabis legalization reforms.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. Find him on Instagram @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.