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ARCATA, Calif. — Longtime marijuana bud trimmer Viktor Citra is allegedly looking to switch careers, debating trading in their sticky scissors for a buzzing razor after they couldn’t remove their hands from their backpack for the third time this month. 

“The amount of resin and ‘dank crystals’ I deal with on a daily basis is becoming insane. It follows me everywhere,” they said while soaking their hands in rubbing alcohol. “I’d so much rather trim something that is easily sweepable and that stays at work at this point. And it’s the same essential motor skills… at least, unless a client needs some layering.” 

However, whether or not the bud-to-buzz switch will be seamless is debatable, according to experts. Some like Citra believe it would seem intuitive, but many others insist the precise handling of little orange hairs may not translate to tackling the human head. 

Indeed, the Groovy Do’s Barber Institute in nearby Eureka is the leading educational institution in Humboldt County and they’ve had their fair share of “construction workers” turned wannabe hair stylists. 

“The concepts in the abstract are the same, but let’s put it this way: the human head doesn’t release a pleasant, skunky odor if you actually cut too close,” said the institute’s head proctor Natalia Chun. “And no bud is going to make you talk about it’s rebellious 5th grade daughter while you trim it. In a sense, we are dealing with so much more than just the hair.”

“It definitely can be done,” said Groovy Do graduate Marquita Parks, part of the GDBI class of Spring 2021. “But I can assure you, bringing the floor trimmings to your friends at the end of the day from the salon will not go over well.”

Citra noted that if they do not get accepted to Groovy Do, they hope to apply their skills with an artistic landscaping company specializing in making standard shrubs look like cannabis plants.

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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