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DENVER — Newly engaged couple Corbin Hadley and Tristian Park created a gift registry for their upcoming nuptials last week, raising questions amongst family members who noted that every gift looks suspiciously like it would aid in a cannabis home-grow operation.
“Why do they have so many options for Galaxy Hydro LED lights on the registry? Are they buying a loft?” asked mother-in-law to-be Gayle Park. “Their apartment already has so many windows, with such great natural light. And they’ve asked for a full pallet of Happy Frog — if they want to garden that badly, they should really just move back home with us.”
“This grow tent won’t hold their doberman puppy for long, I can tell you that,” agreed future father-in-law Thomas Park. “And what are they going to do with a 10,000 pack of tiny Ziploc bags? If they need them for gift bags for the reception, I think they should aim a little more upscale. But, hey, it’s their wedding.”
Hadley and Park’s love is genuine and both are very much looking forward to their wedding. However, they openly admit they are using their registry as a means to truly start their life together.
“What do we need a toaster for? We have a toaster. If you wanna give us a gift we can use, get this dismountable hydroponic unit with built-in tiered 1200-watt full-spectrum hanging LED’s,” Hadley noted. “Yes, we’ll hold each other ‘for richer and for poorer,’ but ‘for richer’ would be much, much better.”
“But the middle-size unit, please,” added Park. “The small one is too small, and the big one won’t fit in the apartment. Thanks.”
Wedding planner Michelle Danning did suggest adding a few non-cannabis related items to cover their intentions, but the couple refused.
“Most registries have dishes and cookware, bedding… basically, household items. But every time I suggested something like that, they got confused by the item’s lack of weed-related uses,” she began. “I suggested a baking pan, and they said, ‘For making edibles? Pass.’ I suggested getting an area rug and they said, ‘It’s too hard to pick up loose nugs off carpet. We only do parquet.’”
“I think we’ll see this more as weddings evolve,” Danning added. “The more practical you can be with your wedding, and using that wedding to build your cannabis empire, the better.”
A visit to their wedding website this morning revealed that the happy couple has foregone their grow-op registry and are just asking guests to buy them actual, already-grown cannabis.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.