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In an impressive flex of taxpayer dollars, a new federally funded study found that using cannabis — instead of being some catalyst for moving on to more dangerous or addictive drugs — appears to be directly correlated with the activity or sensation of “getting high.”

“We knew that as more and more states choose to legalize this plant, it was going to fall on the scientific community to verify and document the effects of high-potency cannabis products,” explained lead researcher Dr. Atienne Ryan.

“And it’s a very curious thing — it appears the more a subject smokes, the more they experience the effects of THC.”

“Keep in mind — we’ve found a correlation, but have yet to establish a causational relationship, so further testing is needed,” explained Dr. Ryan before breaking down into a debilitating snicker, then suddenly shutting up and peering over the edge of the table.

Jack Delamater is a musician, business owner, writer, and goofball living in Los Angeles, CA — follow Jack on Spotify.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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