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As an adult human pot-smoker and avid nervous smiler, there are times when I get high and smile awkwardly. And when I do, sometimes… my lips get stuck to my teeth.
You might think it looks weird, but I can’t help it. My lip just gets stuck on my teeth.
Some people might try to shame you for it when it happens, or take a stupid video and sing a stupid song about you. But when the insides of my lips become wedded in the warm, Velcro-like embrace of my gums and canines, it can only be compared to the silent agony of lactose intolerance at the employee Christmas party at Cheesecake Factory. It feels like the interior of my mouth is wearing an ugly sweater.
Deal with it. I won’t apologize if it makes you uncomfortable or looks ridiculous to you. But if you suffer from the same affliction, here are some helpful tips.
Often, I’ll use my tongue as a wedge to pry my jaws from my molars. The audible suction is oddly satisfying, as I use a simple machine from fourth grade technology class to combat the very complex problem of occasional to moderate cottonmouth.
If you want to get technical for a moment, xerostomia may sound like a straight edge punk band from the late 90s, but it’s actually the technical term for dry mouth. And if you think it looks painful to pronounce out loud up there on your high horse with your oh-so-hydrated mouth, imagine a parched, prickly tongue trying to Mike Tyson its way around those syllables after a mid-day bong rip.
This is why I always keep hard candy around these days. Something — anything — to add a little moisture back in can remedy xerostomia faster than you can say… almost anything else when your lips are cemented to your choppers. Chewing gum, a rubbery piece of steak… when it’s happening to me, I’d stand in front of a fire hose if that’s what I had to do to get rid of it.
So, the next time this happens to you, just know that you’re not alone in your struggle. And if someone tries to record you while it’s happening, you have my permission to slap their phone out of their hand. It’s a total dick move to sit back and watch someone struggle to unglue their lip from their own face, and you know for a fact they’ll put that video of you up on TikTok with some weird jingle underneath it the first moment they can.
Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.