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EUGENE, Ore. — Local barista James Keller cropped out his backyard cannabis plants last week, yielding roughly a pound of homegrown bud that friends and colleagues agree is mostly just good for smelling in a jar.
Stringy and airy, Keller’s buds were the result of three months of little to no work on the plants, which were grown from seeds given to him by his uncle years ago.
“James makes a mean latte, but weed is clearly not his forte,” said customer and friend Suraya Fareed. “To be honest, his ‘buds’ are mostly hairs — I’m not even sure how I could pack this into a pipe. It smells surprisingly good, though. I keep a container by my bed to sniff in case I get anxious trying to fall asleep.”
Keller was hoping to make a little side cash off the endeavor, but with the majority of the value in cannabis being in its consumable psychoactive properties, his “natural, cannabis-infused air fresheners” have had little demand in the traditional market.
“It seems I essentially grew glorified candles. I mean, I didn’t really put any money into it — I just let it rain as it does here, and you know, sort of watched them from a distance when I was out back smoking myself. But I expected more for some reason,” Keller said as he took another whiff from a massive Ziploc bag. “It smells like it would have been fire if it was worth smoking, though.”
Interestingly, however, more and more of his customers have been asking for his free sniff handouts, which begs the question: is there a market for forms of cannabis grown for the sole purpose of getting a nice scent memory boost?
“This young barista may be onto something,” Annick said. “Oftentimes, the ‘fix’ for many people is just experiencing the earthy, ‘feel good’ properties of the presence of cannabis. Think about it: have you ever smelled cannabis and decided to smoke it, even when it wasn’t a good idea? This ‘smell memory response’ could be satisfied with a terrible, low grade pot that has no use but to be externally experienced.”
With the surprise emergence of an additional corner of the market, Keller is increasingly optimistic he’s found the best big inhalant since poppers, and plans to do even less work on his next batch in hopes of creating even fewer psychoactives and stronger aromatic potency.
Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.