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DANVILLE, Va. — Virginia House of Delegates candidate Thomas Robito answered questions in a town hall-style debate last night about his cannabis platform, offering answers that could be interpreted as “either pro or anti cannabis, depending on which way you want to argue it.”

“I’m looking to get tough on all cannabis-related issues, whichever way we need to get tough,” Robito said, running yet another comb through his hair. “It’s an important concern that requires a closer look over the next few years. If elected, we’ll roll up our sleeves and absolutely find a cannabis policy for all Virginians.”

Robito’s official platform positions him as the “cannabis candidate for change,” and if elected, he pledges to “re-examine the state of cannabis law” — without affirming whether or not he plans to legalize it. 

“There are a slew of medical benefits being discussed, and I plan to continue discussing them,” Robito continued. “I’ve heard several claims, and with vigorous public input and studies, I am looking forward to confirming the possibility of potential alternate uses for cannabis-related substances, and potentially implementing necessary law to address such concerns. And that’s a promise!”

Robito’s campaign manager Theresa Harrell later elaborated, “Mr. Robito firmly believes that cannabis is a form of marijuana. His policy is concrete, clear, and solidly progressing on a reasonable timeline. The important thing is to vote for a candidate who stands up for moving forward, and won’t take a back seat to any so-called ‘drivers’ lying down.”

“As Mr. Robito says, ‘There’s a bright future ahead for all of us,’” Harrell concluded, “‘so long as we keep putting our heads down to make hay while the sun is shining.’”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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