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CINCINNATI — While yesterday’s statewide elections in Ohio yielded mostly expected results, the fringe candidate and Cypress Hill confidant known primarily as “Dr. Greenthumb” shockingly took the comptroller’s seat in Cincinnati after being written in by a record turnout of cannabis enthusiasts and stoners at the polls.
“This is what democracy is all about,” remarked Danny Kendall, a pizza delivery driver who voted for Greenthumb. “As an American, it is my sovereign duty to participate in elections, and it is my inalienable right to vote for whoever the fuck I want. Besides, the only people on the ballot were old guys who would’ve done stuff like fund schools or improve roads or whatever a comptroller does. Writing in a character from a Cypress Hill song is way more fun, and having fun is the reason elections exist at all.”
Unfortunately, many who claim to “take politics seriously” were unhappy that a pivotal office for Cincinnati had been overtaken by a fictional character in a 90s rap song. Those who claimed to have voted for “real” candidates asked that the results be thrown out, and called for greater oversight in future elections.
“This is why we should be drug-testing voters,” scoffed Eileen Pulaski, a Cincinnati Republican and passionate Yelp reviewer. “Obnoxious little potheads flooding the polls and writing in silly hip hop names is how you end up with citywide chaos. I think it’s only fair that we have a do-over, and this time around, nobody who smokes pot or is a registered Democrat should be permitted to vote.”
Thankfully, incumbent comptroller Doug Barr has been gracious in his acceptance of defeat. “I am confident that my predecessor will do wonderful things for this great city,” Barr said during his concession speech at City Hall. “While it pains me to leave this office, I find comfort in being replaced by someone who can bring a doctor’s experience to City Hall. I am excited to one day see the backyards of Cincinnati bursting with sticky hydro and Tangerine Dream.”
While Dr. Greenthumb’s lack of physical existence rendered him unavailable for a comment, Cypress Hill’s B-Real took a break from celebrating the launch of his new mobile game “B-Real Monster Buds” to issue a statement claiming that they had no idea this whole fiasco was taking place, and that they themselves voted for Harambe. If able to exist in time, Dr. Greenthumb will be sworn in in early January.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.