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For Catholics, Christmas just isn’t Christmas without attending midnight mass. It’s a chance to gather with friends and family, celebrate this festive season and basically do the very bare minimum –– so you feel okay missing church the other 51 weeks out of the year!
And in this special time of compassion, I think it’s only fitting that I do a dab during this most important night, in between people drinking wine from a communal glass and listening to middle schoolers doing stilted readings from the Gospel of Luke. And, for the record, I think baby Jesus would approve.
First of all, my dab rig may look awkward and bulky, but it can easily be used as an incense holder if they need it during service. Since two of the three gifts to Lil’ Baby-J were incense, obviously he’d be cool about it. And when the priest comes by swinging that frankincense at the beginning of mass, obviously that would be my shot to do my dab, and have my smoke blend in with Father Francis’s. Honestly, he uses so much of it, I doubt the people in the other pews would notice.
And listen, we all know how weed smoking is great for heightening sensations like taste or sound, so what better time to take a dab than when I have to listen to Mrs. Johnson lead the choir in “O Come, All Ye Faithful?” It’s not her fault she was born tone deaf, so I might as well pay her the courtesy of at least ATTEMPTING to enjoy the music. Plus, those stale Jesus crackers are so much better if you have the munchies.**
Lastly, what would midnight mass be without Father Francis’s long sermon about the power of this festive time? Not only would weed warp my sense of time, making his 45-minute speech a heck of a lot easier to sit through, it would also make his jokes 1,000 percent funnier –– including the one about how Joseph and Mary didn’t have Mapquest (he hasn’t updated the sermon since 2004, after all). If Jesus preached anything, it’s the power of compassion, and the euphoria I’ll get from my THC concentrate will automatically boost my empathy for the congregation! I call it, “doing my part.”
Of course, let’s all remember that midnight mass is LITERALLY at midnight. We’re Catholics, we love to be literal about stuff –– especially Jesus. And midnight, my friends, is the party hour. Do you think Jesus hated to party? Come on! He turned water into wine! The guy was the Andrew W.K. of the ancient times! If Jesus rolled up to your next house party, he’d probably be the first guy to do a keg stand. Me? I’m just out here, dabbin’ it for the Lord.
Honestly, the art of smoking weed is such a ritual, it would be sacrilegious to NOT do a dab. Peace be with you.
**You couldn’t pay me to drink from a communal wine goblet right now, though. It’s a pandemic still, people.
Andrea Romano is a comedy writer, sketch performer, and watcher of many Emmy-award-winning shows. Her writing has been seen on Cracked, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Mashable –– among others. Follow her on Twitter @theandrearomano.
