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BOISE, Idaho — In the aftermath of a raid that took down the one trap house responsible for selling weed in the Boise area, residents are left wondering this week who tipped the cops off — with many suspecting the infamous tattle tale and trap house mascot, the Elf on the Shelf.
“I know it sounds impossible, but I’m pretty damn certain it was him,” said the now-convicted trap house operator Dalen White. “Everyone I had working in that place knew to keep their mouths shut, and only bring in people they knew for sure were only interested in getting an eighth of our signature Potato Kush.”
“Everything was going great until one of our dudes brought in that little elf to add some ‘Christmas joy’ to our operation,” White continued. “If by ‘joy,’ he meant ‘cops’ — and lots of ‘em — breaking down my door and confiscating everything in sight, then it worked, I guess. They even seized my regular potato plants. Those ones weren’t even drugs!”
When asked who it was that tipped them off, police were cryptic in their messaging. “We can’t get into who was responsible for telling us about this particular trap house,” said Boise police chief Derek Powers. “I certainly can’t do anything like describe his 12-inch long red pajamas, or his pointy red hat with a white trim around his neck, and I certainly couldn’t mention their rosy cheeks and constant smile. I also certainly couldn’t be describing these details in retribution for this same witness going to the Feds about civil rights violations they noticed during our raid of said trap house. I am definitely not looking for this problem to solve itself, I can assure you of that.”
Residents who were left without their dealer were naturally upset. “Gosh dang it,” said Boise resident Anne Flanders. “Now I’m going to have to go all the way to Oregon to get my greens. Which out west, even if you’re next to a state, means it’s a three day trek.”
“All I know is that if I ever get my hands on the person who ratted out the trap house I’ll… well, I’ll probably do nothing, because I’m non-violent,” agreed Boise resident Alex Pryor. “It really is an inconvenience, though.”
Attempts to ask the Elf on the Shelf if he had anything to corroborate proved futile as his body was later discovered in the Boise River, much to the delight of everyone.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
