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BRECKENRIDGE, Colo. — After smoking a few hours ago with some friends in his home, Pat Rafson resolved to make food for himself and his guests to satiate their munchies.
But those close to him now report he has sequestered himself in his kitchen, reading and re-reading the cooking instructions on the back of a box of Hot Pockets ever since.
“I saw that it read, ‘Preheat the oven to 350 degrees,’ and I think I did that. And then while waiting for the oven to preheat, I read the nutritional facts,” Rafson said. “Did you know one single Hot Pocket counts as three servings, and has 72 carbs? Look, it says it right here. That’s so much! But then I forgot whether I turned the oven on or not. I opened the door, and it was hot, but I didn’t know if it was hot because it was up to temperature or because I heated it before, so I turned the oven off and back on again to be sure.”
“Then I saw it said to get a baking sheet and I had to be like, ‘If I were a baking sheet, where in this kitchen would I be hidden?’ because I always forget where I put it,” Rafson continued. “I still haven’t found one. But then in double-checking the directions, I got lost reading the nutritional facts again.”
“Dude! Did you know one single Hot Pocket counts as three servings, and has 72 carbs? Look, it says it right here,” he added. “That’s so much!
Rafson’s roommate Kim Danner is among the many still waiting for a Hot Pocket.
“Every time I checked in with him, he was just staring at the box,” Danner said. “I asked him what he was doing, and he just said super slowly, ‘Bake for 28 minutes? How long is that? That’s like, hours! I’ll lose track counting for that long.’”
“I’m definitely getting him a timer for his birthday,” she added. “I’ve been around plenty of high people, and plenty of dumb people, but this is a whole new level.”
When reached, Hot Pockets’ parent company took partial responsibility.
“We are looking into ways to make it easier to heat up our product,” said Mark Schneider, CEO of Nestlé. “We introduced the microwavable crisping sleeve for this exact reason, but we’re looking into an oven-safe sleeve that maybe changes color when it’s done. We’re also researching technology for a little, disposable pre-packaged mini oven, so you just open the box and the Hot Pocket heats itself. Maybe there’s a chemical inside that heats it up? Or maybe just a phone number that delivers ready-made Hot Pockets to you. Wait… that’s Seamless, isn’t it?”
This is a developing story.
4:28 a.m. 3/11/21 UPDATE: Rafson has tried to order Seamless, but could not remember his password. No word yet as to why his friends haven’t yet made their own Hot Pockets, called for their own food, or just left.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
