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CALABASAS, Calif. — Riding on a tidal wave of anger from a “truly pathetic” experience at a local organic hotdog stand, world-renowned prickly chef Gordon Ramsay launched a new cannabis line today that he himself claims calms even him down.

“It’s no surprise that Ramsay would need a slightly stronger blend,” remarked UC-Berkeley scientist Trisha Brown, who led the development and testing of dozens of strains for a half-decade in search of finding “something, anything” that could take the edge off of Ramsay. “The chef, once heard saying to a show contestant, ‘Now fuck off, you useless sack of fucking yankee doodle dandy shite,’ had previously tried other calming indica blends with little to no success. The new strain, called ‘Lazy Tosser,’ has been in development for five years, only finally unlocking the code to calm Chef Ramsay in the most recent iteration.” 

“Over the development period, we held 12 studies, each with 50 participants and of course, Gordon,” said Lazy Tosser lead botanist Wendy Townsend. “In studies one through 10, Gordon was the same man, just a little quieter, still spewing obscenities at other participants for being ‘wimpy little dickface wankers’ despite succumbing to the general calming effects of the provided cannabis. We almost threw in the towel when he got high and literally threw a box of towels at me.” 

Thankfully, the team of 23 scientists and 7 lab technicians buckled down after Ramsay reportedly told them that his “gran could do better, and she’s dead.” “At this point, we knew we needed to prove him wrong,” said Townsend. “I knew we were better than his dead gran.” 

UC-Irvine psychologist Gerald Heltner commented, “Sure, his words seem harsh, even over-the-top. But Chef Ramsay does seem to illicit a need to do better when he yells in people’s faces that they deserve to be kicked in the nuts, and that’s exactly what we see here with his team. Give credit where it’s due, I suppose.”

Study 11 finally saw the results everyone was looking for: a calm Gordon Ramsay, and study 12, completed just before Christmas, proved it was no fluke. “We found Lazy Tosser lulled all other participants into a deep sleep, but Gordon simply became much more even-keeled. Docile, even,” said Townsend. “We knew we found success in the final study when one of the lab techs presented Ramsay with a plate of obviously overcooked scrambled eggs, to which the chef responded, ‘These are not good, but you’ll get it next time.’”

In a public statement at the launch, Ramsay said, “I’ll probably never ever, ever, ever, meet someone I believe in as little as any of you, but I believe in this weed.”

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

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