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So you smoked so much that you’re stuck on the couch? Again? And can’t go to work? AGAIN?!

Good thing you got fired last week, that makes this whole process super easy.

Here’s what you do:

  1. Take note of your surroundings.

First, you need to get couch-unlocked, so step one is to return to your body. It sounds challenging, but I promise, you still exist on this plane of reality. Just simply look to your left, then look to your right, and notice you are still in the same timeline you started.

The couch is still in the living room. The TV is still sitting on the ground leaning against the wall because you never mounted it. That glass of water you grabbed an hour ago is still sitting on the side table. The glass of water you grabbed two hours ago is still on the other side table.

OK, now that you’re back in your body, let’s get you moving.

  1. Make little fists with your toes.

Remember that Tarantino movie with Uma where he shows a close-up of her feet? You know the one. Do that. Start curling your toes, then flex your calves, and up through your body until your motor functions return.

Once you’re ready to become mobile, let’s get your phone.

  1. Search for your phone.

The phone could be literally anywhere. Check between the couch cushions. Check the kitchen. Check the refrigerator. Check the bathroom. Just check all the usual spots.

  1. FIND your phone.

Oops, it was in your pocket this whole time.

  1. Make the call.

Good news, you were fired last week, so instead of calling work, open up Seamless and get yourself some food. Did you know you can put in special instructions to just come into the apartment and hand you the food? Let’s go!

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.