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TOLEDO, Ohio –– Suburban mom Debbie Miller, a solitary Wiccan, went looking last week for a more economical and less wasteful way to make her annual pomander balls, finding inspiration in an unlikely source: her son’s old weed stems.
“The Winter Solstice is my favorite holiday,” Miller said. “I just enjoy all the festive, totally pagan things my family likes to do during the holiday –– burning the Yule log, singing seasonal songs, and even decorating a tree with sparkly ornaments. Totally pagan things! Incorporating all these stems my son had just adds to the atmosphere.”
As a modern “green witch,” pomander balls are Miller’s favorite solstice tradition, serving as a symbol for good luck and health in the new year and bringing wonderful smells throughout the house. This year’s balls, normally made with oranges pierced with cloves, covered with scented oils and wrapped in a lovely ribbon, were given a little extra kick thanks to her son’s trash stash.
“I may be a hedgewitch,” Miller said, “but I’m also a mom on a budget! Dried spices can get so gosh-darned expensive. But these stems are the perfect solution! My son Tyler just so happened to have tons of tiny stems all over his room — I’m not sure where he got them, or why he has them, but they make a great clove substitute.”
“Being a mom is all about making it work,” Miller added, chuckling. “Plus, these little stems have such a peculiar scent that goes GREAT with the scent of orange peels!”
While Miller usually gets frustrated with her 17-year-old for not cleaning up his room, this year, she’s finally found the bright side of her kid always creating a big mess. “The only thing I can’t figure out is, where did these cute little stems come from?” she asked. “Tyler said they came from trees, but I don’t know of any trees with stems like this. But hey, they came from good old Mother Earth and that’s all that matters to me.”
Miller admitted, however, that she was a little concerned when Tyler visibly panicked when he caught her harvesting her new, little treasures in his room after school. “You know how teens are,” she shrugged. “Always so secretive! I bet he thought I was trying to take a peek at his computer or something. As if he could hide anything from his mom!” Miller winked. “But once he saw these little balls hanging on the mantel, he got right back into the Yuletide spirit.”
Of course, Miller was disappointed that her son and his friends didn’t quite understand the point of the pomander ball tradition. “I couldn’t believe it when I caught Tyler and his friends trying to set the balls on fire! He definitely knows we don’t do that,” Miller said. “I had to ground him for a month for starting fires in the house.”
Andrea Romano is a comedy writer, sketch performer, and watcher of many Emmy-award-winning shows. Her writing has been seen on Cracked, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Mashable –– among others. Follow her on Twitter @theandrearomano.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.