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BENTON HARBOR, Mich. — Before Michigan legalized cannabis, Bill Westerbach had a dour disposition every holiday. Absolutely none of his family looked forward to seeing him each year, inviting him to gatherings out of a combination of obligation and pity.
But after trying cannabis for the first time this spring, those close to him say he’s become the life of the party.
“Back in 2018, Uncle Bill was a nightmare. He’d spend the entire Thanksgiving meal talking about how great Trump was for America,” said 20-year-old nephew Brad Fox. “But now he’s like a different person. He used to get drunk and slip me a $10 to go ‘put some hair on my chest,’ but today he slipped me an eighth of Watermelon Kush like we were doing a deal in a Taco Bell parking lot. And instead of carrying on about politics, all he wants to talk about are which rappers are the best in the game right now… and his taste is actually pretty good. He even got me into Ugly God.”
“And the jokes, though… oh, God, the jokes are still so bad, but at least now they’re not racist,” admitted Fox. “It’s definitely a step up, but now he’s just hitting those puns all the time.”
“Well, they sure do… fit the Bill, don’t they?” Westerbach said, which allegedly even brought a loud groan from the cat, while lighting a White Widow pre-roll. “You could say I can… light up the room, huh?”
It’s not just those of toking age reaping the benefits of Westerbach’s disposition — even his youngest nieces and nephews are in on the fun. After a three-hour Mario Kart tournament with his twin nieces, Westerbach was seen powering a spiral to 12-year-old niece Victoria with enough force to bowl the grinning child over. “Mom always said Uncle Bill was so grumpy because he blew his knee out at a game in ‘88 and it never healed right,” said Victoria. “But since he started smoking that funny smelling stuff, he’s gotten way more active. Yeah, he’ll get weirdly quiet sometimes, and he definitely tried to make a bong out of grandma’s urn… and apparently I’m getting an Allen Ginsburg anthology for Christmas. But that all sure beats another holiday visit from DSS.”
Westerbach even contributed to the meal this year, a first for the family Thanksgiving. “I learned to bake after I started smoking. Edibles have been great for getting me through the day,” Westerbach said. “But I know not everybody wants to get high, so I made some dank-ass brownies for people who want ‘em, and some extra-dank-ass sober brownies for the people who don’t. Live and let live, but like, with brownies, man. That’s my motto.”
“Everyone in a legal state should try it,” Westerbach added while covering his entire meal in cannabis-infused gravy. “If even just for one day, folks my age need to get over the stigma and give it a shot. I’m having fun at a family function for the first time in 15 years, and I know a lot of people out there are gonna be miserable this year. So light one up and eat some damn turkey.”
Sources say Westerbach’s post-meal nap is stretching into its 13th hour and counting.
Bryant Smith is a comedian based out of Chattanooga, TN and can be seen performing throughout the Southeast once the pandemic is quelled.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.